Hopelessness

I was his mint chocolate chip. I often puzzled about whatever it is Gab saw in me. I was at my lowest. I always had on loose-fitting pants and t-shirts to hide my skin-and-bones. I had lost too much weight from the stress I was battling at the time. I had come from a marriage that really destroyed me both physically and emotionally. I lost my esteem too low that I hurt my back trying to pick it. I no longer felt beautiful and deserving of love. I remember the last time for me to eventually throw in the towel, was that night he threw me out after he had slept away from home severally leaving me to starve. I was three months pregnant. Phones were a luxury those days so I didn’t have one. I risked my life in the dark heading to my sister’s for refuge. The following day I moved back home never to look back. My parents are very supportive. Of course the news of pregnancy out of wedlock is not always the finest news to any of them but they always adjust. I gave birth and they fell in love with my son.

I got a casual job when he was about an year and a half in one small kiosk just close to home where I sold tea in construction sites. Those hard hat workers are quite a market. Oh I met Gab in that line of duty. He’s not the type of man that will catch your attention at first sight. He’s the type that becomes handsome the longer you’re together. I didn’t fall for his stunts immediately. I was still in that space where all men are cut from the same cloth. I was bitter. But this one must have been cut from the side where there was abundance of stamina. He often got jealous whenever I served any of his mates before him. He got jealous when another man stopped me. I gave zero effs to whatever he felt anyway. In fact I would entertain all of them because I didn’t want either of them to love me. But Gab! Stubborn son of a woman.

When this lady Patriciah called me on Friday night, I was cuddled up on the couch with my daughter watching Cocomelon. I have crummed these things until I will be sited somewhere alone only to catch myself humming to ‘the three little pigs or this one where they wake brother John with the ding ding dong morning bells.’ Ah! These melodies can hang on you for months. Anyway, I apologized to Patriciah asking her to allow me a few minutes to call her back. I took my daughter to bed. These babies are cheeky. They don’t sleep when you want them to. Eventually she fell to sleep and I spoke with Pat. She’s those females who love to talk and laugh. You can never feel her despair in her narration.

Some time passed and soon I started to get carried away by his persistence. She continued. I gave him a chance. We dated for about three months then we moved in together.

Three what again? That was you being skeptical of men huh?

Haha! Too soon right? Well it wasn’t intended to go that fast. I went to his place one Sunday afternoon. It rained pitchforks later that evening so I didn’t go back home. On returning the next day my mom was mad. So mad you wouldn’t tell between her and a bull with a cloth on his face. She asked me to go back to wherever I had been. My mom is a very rough woman. If she says go back, please go back or receive a good beating with a black mamba my dad had in his closet, for having slept out. I wasn’t ready for a beating plus of course I have always been a hopeless romantic and I was craving in want of marriage. So of course I chose going back.

He received me and assured me all was going to be well. He had rented a single room built of cheap iron sheet. Those houses looked like me. No health no flesh. Just standing on old wood that looked like it was about to breath their last. That wasn’t a problem though. I was in love. We stayed a month then went for my son. He loved my son. He treat him right as though he was his own. Years later we had a daughter. He was obsessed with her. At some point I began to feel the change in his relationship with my son. As though he was picking on him every so often. He started neglecting him and beating his ass for the slightest mess. He was often mad at him for no reason. I left the marriage. I went back to my parents for a while to see if he would reconsider. He did. We reconciled but this time, I returned without my son. I left him with my parents. They loved him even more than I did. And they’ve done an amazing job with him to date.

How was that for you?

Not so proper. I love my son. If anything, I would have wanted to raise him but I hated to see him feel less of my husband’s child. The best home for him was with my dad. So yeah, I returned to build my home. Things were never the same. He had already wounded my heart in a way I could never see him the same as before, but my desire for my own home kept me there. Then I fell pregnant again. This time it wasn’t planned. I had been on the pill actually. But anyway I caught pregnancy. By this time he had gotten a better job with a tour company so we were a bit stable. We had even moved to a bigger house. But then again, we were not very stable for another child but what to do now! We got a son. He was never in good terms with his old man before he died. For that reason he wasn’t very excited when we got a boy. He wanted another girl.

So is he indifferent with the boy?

Not really. He adjusted eventually. He adores him.

So now what got you to where you are now?

Covid did. He lost his job in 2020. These people in tour industry incurred the extreme fury of Covid. I had always been a stay at home mum so when this happened, we really struggled. We couldn’t pay rent, we couldn’t feed our kids. We were in a pitiable state. It got to a point where I would take my kids to my mum early in the morning. We would have breakfast and lunch there then take supper with me later in the evening. But for how long can anyone support a family of 5? How long before your folks start asking you what exactly your husband doing about the situation? So I decided to move back home with my kids so at least my husband would just have to hustle for his meal which would be easier and also to avoid that much familiarity between him and my people.

Eventually things eased up a bit. Even so, not all businesses managed to pick up and one of those included my husband’s former tour company. That meant he had permanently lost his job. That blew a hole in whatever little hope was left of us. Schools were reopening, a lot was needed. I was getting to the end of my tether. It was then that ideas of getting a job in Saudi Arabia were flaunted and I flew along. So here I am today forging forward with my emergency break off.

So does your son know his true identity?

No. He has grown up believing that who he is is who he is and I want it that way.

So what happens to your marriage?

Well, I guess there’s more to life yeah! I have demolished all the bridges behind me. We still talk though he is free to do whatever he wants with his life. Our children’s life are my priority as at now.

But may be you should consider honesty with your son. My opinion.

Anyways cheers to life!

Cheers!

As usual com’s till next week. Cheers

5 thoughts on “Hopelessness

  1. One thing i have realised when reading your stories, everything goes silent (i can just feel the zzzz sound) and i can hear your voice narrating it. Is it grammatically correct to say: Good work once more?

    Liked by 2 people

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