Whether you have premeditated a separation or you’ve been ruthlessly dumped from left field, a breakup burns. Not the hot-coffee kinda burn, not the frying oil either. It’s the explosive tankers in Vin Diesel movies kind of fierce furnace. The amount of collateral damage left behind, no insurance company can ever make up. The heart is not like a car that you’d knock it off a post, dump it, or set it on fire and pap! A brand new one from the Insurance guys. The heart is like an egg. Of course we all know whatever happens should you drop it either intentionally or otherwise.
First, what is Love? No need to define. We all have our different definitions but even before dusk, the difference is the same. Queens, lemmi talk to you like a 25year old whose been to hell and back (ain’t I just so proud to refer to myself as a 25year old, sighs. I have waited so long for this moment like the groom awaiting his bride) Well, I may not have experienced much as at now – not been through a broken marriage – but I believe I have enough to educate you on how to LEAVE and LET GO. Am not saying it’s easy. It’s never been. It is the toughest individual journey under the sun. Why, because it affects not only the heart, but the brain twice as much. I say to you today, if your pain doesn’t grow you, doesn’t strengthen, inspire, motivate or push you upwards, you have a problem my sister. You’d better go hang yourself on a banana tree.
My Steps to moving forward
•When getting into a relationship, expect a breakup. Prepare for it. That way, if it comes, it shall not catch you by surprise. You are two different people, from different backgrounds, brought up differently, with different perspectives, believes, opinions, characters, personality traits… Therefore, you are bound to disagree. Expect it.
•Never blame yourself; swity, it takes two to breakup. Your partner is equally to blame as you are. The one killer question after a vital separation is “what did I do wrong?” Never find yourself there. If anything, the question should be “where did WE (both of you) go wrong?” I mean, any breakup, come what may, is, has and should never be a one party’s fault. This is so because, regardless of the wrong done, if the other party really meant to stay, they will, at all cost find all the reasons to stick. Should he leave, then he was never there to stay anyway. Let him go.
•Block him (on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram etc) and delete his number. This may look like paranoia but it is by all heavens advisable. This is meant to assist you resist the temptation of stalking him. You need that wound to heal sister. Do whatever it takes. Even if the world thinks it’s immature to pull this, it’s your heart and mind at stake here, not theirs. Believe you me you’re not ready for notifications with his name or photo on your timeline. This not only opens, but also cuts deeper a healing wound. Block him!
•Cut off links with his friends and family if you had met any. The only thing they do is remind you of him. We don’t want that.
•Cry if you must; Please, I implore you,if this pain triggers tears out of their bags, let them flow. Do not pretend to be OK if you’re really not. It is OK to cry. What were tears meant for anyway? Let them stream down your tummy, cry a river if it comes to that. Just don’t lock them in, it hurts the more.
•Talk to someone. It helps.
Call that friend you’re comfortable sharing with. Tell her (let it be a ‘her’ I insist) how you feel, whether or not she understands, it doesn’t matter. The point is to let it out. If you can’t call, text. If you really, and I mean really, can not share, get a pen and paper, write all what you’re feeling down. Then, flash that shitty paper down the toilet immediately to avoid the temptation of sending the ‘letter’ to him. (cliche but it works for me) The point is the same, to let it out of your system. Not to seek sympathy please. Should you realise you’re seeking attention by doing all that, trust me your guilty conscious will alert you, drop it all together and hit the road. Run like a mad woman then take a cold bath. Not a shower please!
•Watch a kungfu movie (preferably yenye iko na DJ Afro) or any action series whenever you’re alone in the house. Gets your mind off romance and plus it keeps you entertained. You need that at this point.
•You can’t be friends yet, Period!; he who said ex’s can be friends, has a special place in hell. The truth is, there is always one who might be genuinely after friendship, and another that is after more. Probably at the back of their mind, hoping they could rekindle the relationship. It’s all fun and games until you break a leg trying to chase a dead-case-relationship. Not until the wound is completely healed, to the point where we can call it a fire-gone-out, you can not be friends. Turn down that proposal should he suggest it. That’s the voice of the devil right there.
•Last but not least, give it TIME. The major mistake we all make, is to rush it. You want the pain gone as soon as yesterday. I totally understand. No one wants to live with that kinda pain. You will know it’s unbearable when you see a man crying. Trust me no one would hack it. But it’s absurd to force it out like a flash. It doesn’t work like that. In fact, it could take twice as long as the relationship lasted. But one thing for sure, it eventually goes off, trust me. I know. It fades off given ample time and proper care. Give it. There so much time in this world. However long it will take, I promise you it ultimately goes away, until you nearly forget it ever existed. In some cases you completely forget it. Allow time take it’s course.
All said and done, just so you know, am not telling you all this because am perfect at it. No! It’s never been easy for me to walk over a breakup. I’ve had relationships in the past that were difficult to accept that they were over. I’ve cried. Not once -sometimes in the bathroom so that no one would know – now I look back and wonder how dumb I must have been. (Laughing) Why the hell was I even crying? Was I insane or something? Some of these silly boys were not even worth a drop leave alone a river of tears. Don’t pity me, arousing sympathy is last of thing intended here. This post is meant for that sister going through a breakup right now while am typing this. If you’re in this situation, pick a lesson or two from this and move forward. Life has so much besides love. So much you can barely consume.
(Words from a wise man) Sister love, there’s more to life than love. Never let love stop you from living your purpose, your dreams…. In short, never let love stop you from living life. If your dreams are too big for him, drop him and move on. If his are too big for you, leave him be. If your standards are not being met, leave him and move on. You’re not meeting his, leave him be. It’s that simple. It’s time to grow up friends. Love yourself more, remember your priorities and your interests count too. I believe the minute we mature in love, breakups will no longer be Pandora’s box… Let’s grow up women, it’s never that serious after all. Now I know better.
Off the tangent, come this Sunday the 26th, I will be turning 25 – did I just mention 25 again? he he – I have never really been so excited over my birthday like I have this year. May be it’s because I have found love again. Or may be because am not afraid to love despite past heartaches. May be, may be not! All I can say is, I am walking in to this relationship with an alert mind, open eyes (with the bigger picture clearly visible) and a receptive heart. Wiser than before.
I recall of a post I made late 2015 where I said I was available for lunch, dinner, movies, ice cream dates, get a ways…etc. Well, Now am not. I am fully taken.
Adios single gents! Adios!